I Am “Half-Drake” On Skates

For those of you who have read my blog posts for a while, you know that Drake is one of my favorite artists of all time.  Whether you like him or not, we all have different tastes and I can respect that.  The following comes from one of my favorite songs of his – “Headlines”:

“I might be too strung out on compliments overdosed on confidence, started not to give a fuck and stopped fearing the consequence.”

The reason why I like it so much is because I always hoped that one day I might be able to be so confident that I could get to the point where I could feel that way about myself.  He feels this way about his rapping abilities that he just doesn’t “give a fuck” what you think about him.  Imagine?

I only wish I could get to that point with my skating.

I’ve started to feel that after six months of skating I am no “Drake on skates” and I am not “overdosed on confidence.”  My back feels like it is going to break in two after I have been playing for a while.  Whether it is because I have bad posture in my chair at my 8-to-5 or because I am overweight (I am), or because I simply am not cut out for it – I don’t know.  All I know is that the more that times goes on the more I struggle with a body that doesn’t cooperate with the things that the heart and mind wants it to.

I always hear that “you can do anything you want to if you try hard enough.”  “You can be anything you want to be.”  Of course that’s probably more for kids.  It sucks.  I try to be positive and keep my head up.  I try to push myself to turn that Drake side on but he won’t come out.

As soon as I get out there for twenty to thirty minutes and I twist the wrong way I’m feeling it.  Yet, I’m going to push myself.  The last time I went out and played hockey I was pretty sure I pulled something in my quad but I pushed through as hard as I could.  One leg skating in circles on defense trying to block shots.

Half-Drake.  What is that? “Fearing the consequences?”

I can’t fathom how I get past this.  As winter approaches my skating will be limited due to traveling through bad weather on poor roads.  So what do I do?  Regress?  That’s all I can do.

It’s hard to take all that in.  It’s hard to look at yourself in the mirror and say “hey you can’t skate without hurting yourself.”

Or “hey you can’t referee without hurting yourself.”

Maybe there is something wrong?  Maybe I’m just clumsy.  Maybe I’m not meant to do physical activity.  Getting to this point in my life and coming to that realization is a tough pill to swallow and it may even be a bitter one at that.

If the best I can do is open up my Xbox and load an NHL game, how do I accept that will be the closest I come to playing in a hockey game?  After all the blood, sweat and tears that I’ve spent trying to learn I don’t know how to accept that.  I’m not sure I can.

In the middle of a Chicago Bears – Minnesota Vikings radio broadcast former NFL quarterback and potential Hall of Famer Kurt Warner said that football “is a game of confidence.”

I disagree.

I think all sports are games of confidence.  I think everything having to do with sports revolves around confidence.  As soon as I step on that ice if I’m not confident in my ability I might as well turn right around and get my street clothes on.  However, that’s my problem.  But it’s a dual edged sword.  If I don’t go out there and find something to give me confidence then I’ll never get it.  If I don’t keep skating until I do something positive, what is the point?

I just wonder where is the fun in absolutely struggling?  Yet, if I know that this is a goal I want to achieve how do I quit?  I find myself in a position that there is no answer to solve either question.

I try to find some philosophical answer by looking to the meaning of things and realizing that things are only important if we give meaning to them.

I have to break down the wall.  To build a wall is to limit myself – yet I have to find that confidence to smash through.  Yet it bleeds over into everything else.  I struggle to find positivity on a day to day basis and that hurts too.  Until I can find that “overdose of confidence” I’m going to struggle to find the other side of the wall.